Work in Progress

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Published monthly by Michele Crawford
Work in Progress is an electronic newsletter intended to assist individuals seeking optimum well-being.

www.michelecrawford.ca
www.willowhousewellness.com
mail to michelecrawford@dccnet.com

Work in Progress August 2007 Volume II Issue VIII

Feature Article: Coping with Other Peoples’ Rage and Entitlement: Part One

Please feel free to forward a copy of Work in Progress (in its entirety) to friends, co-workers, or anyone interested in personal development.

In this Issue:

1) Note from Michele
2) Feature Article
3) About Michele
4) Counselling Services

1) Note from Michele

Dear Reader

We all know controlling people. By definition, controlling people will not accept responsibility for things they can control and take responsibility for things they cannot control, such as other people.

Reasons why you may be willing to be more passive in an encounter with a controlling person may include:

fear of feeling guilt or overwhelmed;
fear of another’s anger; and or
fear that person will withhold something such as love, affection, good will, money or services, etc. if you don’t agree or give in.

There are people who use what I call velvet glove control in that their controlling ways are more passive, whiny, manipulative, obsequious and they usually do it all with a smile or hurt look in their eyes.

This article is about coping with the angry controlling type. Passive control will be another newsletter article.

People who control with anger:

usually believe they are RIGHT and lack empathy or patience for another’s opinion, (which in their mind is wrong or stupid);
will often argue without listening and use anger in an attempt to get their way;
are frequently overwhelmed by anxiety and need to be in control to diminish their fears; or
have entitlement beliefs that support their own sense of privilege and superiority over others; and
are susceptible to deeply entrenched insecurities.

2) Feature Article: Coping with Other Peoples’ Rage and Entitlement: Part One

There are generally two different approaches you can take when confronted with another person’s rage. You can either absorb their anger or deflect it. (In the second part to this article, I will outline the ways you can deflect another’s rage.)

Absorbing another’s anger will lead to multiple problems for you: lingering emotions long after the encounter is over; negatively-affected health; inability to change an unwholesome pattern; deteriorating relationships; wasted hours of ruminating later; avoidance; etc.

Three ways of absorbing the anger of another person are…

1.) Before another person becomes angry, you were relatively calm and detached. Now, you feel anxiety, guilt, anger and or offended. Your fight or flight response has kicked in which may lead to health problems over time.

The passive participant usually blames the angry party for being flooded with emotion rather than accepting their passivity as a significant contributor. You are likely to stew about this encounter later.

2.) You invest significant energy in trying to get the other person to understand your point or even listen to logic. Regularly, this discussion deteriorates into a futile argument. No matter how reasonable your position is, the other person simply is not listening.

The angry person’s rant will occasionally pause but when you speak, instead of listening, they are rehearsing in their mind what they are going to say next. You may not even finish before they are off and running again.

I think of it as pearls before swine: wasted words to a person too upset to hear your message even if it’s on target. Over and over again, you are trying to search for the right words to convey your meaning, only to be dismissed and discounted.

3.) You take a before and during approach in trying to manage the other person’s anger. Before, you walk on egg shells to avoid their wrath. During their temper, you try to calm them down and appease their mood.

When your focus is on the other person’s possible volatile response so that you carefully edit your words and actions, you give up your right to have your wants and needs heard. Your identity suffers and your spirit goes to sleep.

The worst words you can say to an angry person is calm down or relax. Equally unhelpful is to tell them it’s not a big deal or they are overreacting.

When a person in a state of rage is presented with this response, they usually ratchet up their anger to prove their right to be enraged. It’s the opposite reaction to what was intended but flame to gasoline elicits the same response.

To them, calming words mean that their anger has no justification. To demonstrate their right to be infuriated, louder rage follows.

Please note: controlling people transform into frustrated people whenever the other party does not give in or give up. The phrase controlling is only valid if they successfully control other people or situations. When they are not victorious, they are simply frustrated.

For more information, please contact:
Michele Crawford RCC CCC at
E-mail: michelecrawford@dccnet.com or
Phone: 604-515-9727
Web Site: www.michelecrawford.ca

3) About Michele

Michele Crawford is a therapist who assists individuals who are struggling with trauma, anxiety or depression. Her passion for her work remains embedded in being able to connect with you in your suffering, helping you find real solutions no matter how complex the issue may be.

4) Counselling Services

Are you prepared to live with more happiness, optimism, confidence, self-worth and hope? If your answer is “yes,” then your next step is to contact me for a free 20-minute phone consultation. We can then discuss how I might best help you resolve your problems of Trauma, Depression and Anxiety.

The benefits of counselling with Michele include: significantly reduced stress levels, an optimistic outlook in life, increased confidence and hope.

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Pass It Along

Please feel free to forward a copy of Work in Progress (in its entirety) to friends, co-workers, or anyone interested in personal development.

Michele Crawford RCC CCC
Willow House Wellness Ltd.
Web Site: www.michelecrawford.ca
E-mail: michelecrawford@dccnet.com
Phone: 604-515-9727
Fax: 604-515-9728

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